Work or School. (Tumblr, March 13 2013)

Back when I was in High School, there was this small issue in the family about my sister (oldest) who sadly didn’t finish her Law degree because she chose to work instead.

Some say that she probably already enjoyed the feeling of earning money by working, and she lost her focus on studying this way. I personally thought that that was a bit too shallow for a reason. But now that I’m in 3rd year college and on my way to nearly getting a job in the future, I think I understand how it feels.

It’s not “greed”, to be very direct with you. It’s the excitement you get from being on a new and higher lever of society. You’re now working, which means people pay you what you deserve for doing something for them. 18 years of my life that has rarely happened to me, so it’s pretty reasonable to excite someone like me.

I personally felt like an adult already. Being on my business attire, speaking in formality, shaking hands and all that… it makes me feel like I’m changing positively. As if then and there I’m growing up as someone with a whole new set of potential skills to have.

Of course, it’s my decision now to stay where I am and focus on getting a Master’s Degree or a Law Degree, or I could just try to get a job and start my career this early.

Well, at least now I know how it feels.

Amazing Race. (Tumblr. March 13, 2013)

So today, I went to my first ever OJT interview. I was with my classmate, Leonard.

The start was awful. Thinking I was going to meet Leonard by 8:30 at Ayala Ave (MRT), I reached the North Ave Station by 7:40 and I thought I still had plenty of time. But by the time I got to the station, the line was long as hell. It was hard to buy a ticket, to wait for a train, and to ride the train because undisciplined people kept on sneaking in the line (and yeah I tried to bump some of them since I was pissed as fuck). At least I ended up getting a seat all the way from North Ave to Ayala though.

Reached our meeting place by 9 AM, and we went to Dusit Thani to ask where the shuttle to the company was. The MMDA guy told us to go up the MRT station (which is where we came from). Then when we got there, the security guard told us to go near Dusit Thani (WHERE WE CAME FROM). Good thing I asked the security guard if there was a way near the MRT station, and there was.

So we got to the shuttle service, got a free ride to the building, and arrived at the office by 9:50-ish….which meant we were late since we were supposed to be there by 9:30.

But anyways, we got separated from the rest and had our own exam (we’re cool that way I know). Afterwards, we had the initial interview WHICH I SURPRISINGLY LIKED BECAUSE I DID NOT HAVE ANY BRAIN FART AT ALL.  The HR told us that we’d be contacted for the next interview by this weekend or early next week. Funnily enough, she already called us when we were just at the shuttle service going back to the Ayala Ave MRT Station.

After going down the shuttle service and thanking the driver, we suddenly felt like fucking bosses for no logical reason… maybe just because the initial interview and the exam is done, and we had a free shuttle service.

We rode the MRT to Taft, transferred to the LRT1, went down to Tayuman and rode a jeep back to UST. All for an activity we had to pass (but hey, we were desperate since I was am bound to fail that subject.)

It was a fun day. Tiring, but fun. Awwyisss.

Close-minded?

A thought that’s been refreshed for me is the fact that I might be close-minded. I have no idea how to deny this, but so far I don’t see how I can choose to accept this because frankly, I think I’m both.

I’m open-minded when I have to be, I’m close-minded when I have to be.

I’ve also noticed that it’s been becoming more frequent that people call others “close-minded” just because those “close-minded people” do not listen to those who suddenly think they have the right to accuse others of being close-minded.

Ironic, really.

Bahhh fuck I still have shitload to do but here I am thinking random things.

Getting lazy.

Geez. I’m aware that I’m getting lazy, but there’s nothing I can do about it, really. I blame this mostly on my short attention span and how it makes it difficult for me to listen to lectures.

And I find this funny right now, because I’m supposed to only be studying for 2 quizzes, and I’ve ended up having a shitload more of things to do. Great. Just great.

Too many goals.

I sometimes wonder how I ended up wanting to learn so many things. When I was a kid, I was awfully curious about everything. As I grew up, I told myself I’d learn the things that interested me; to be specific, the things that got my attention.

Tricking, Card Tricks, Dancing, Longboarding, Muay Thai, Sports, Financial Analysis.

Those are just some, actually.

Some of those, I want to learn to impress others. The others, I want to learn to impress myself.

Maybe it’s because of my perception of what “cool” is that led me here. The only thing I hate about it is it stacks and I end up wanting more and leaning less.

I wonder how I’ll get over this problem.

Faker.

And today I find myself angry at the girl who cried yesterday. Why?

Because she faked it. And I couldn’t understand why she did. I tried to understand her, I tried to put myself in her shoes, and I tried to think about it. It just doesn’t make any sense.

If we were friends, why would she have to PRETEND that she was okay with the jokes? Why would she not confront US, instead of telling everybody else but us about being uncomfortable with our jokes? It didn’t help with anything. It just made things worse. It just made us look bad in the eyes of her friends, and it just made her feel worse about herself. So WHY did she do it?

Where’s the sense of respect?

Where’s the friendship?

Where’s the idea of opening up to each other?

Would you really do this to someone you think of as a friend? At this point I’m sure people might think I’m being more of an arrogant bastard by getting mad at someone who cried and had a breakdown, but I really just don’t want to be blinded by the crying that happened. Again, I’ll make myself clear, I am sorry for all the insults and teasing I’ve done. But looking back, I have no idea how it got here.

She faked it. She laughed at someone she shouldn’t have laughed at. What for? It was misleading. And all of a sudden she says that we should have known our limits. Tell me,  if you keep on pushing someone and they tell you it’s okay, and you think that maybe it IS okay because they push you sometimes too, would you push them? I would. Because it was for the sake of fun and nothing else. For the sake of humor that’s tied up with the friendship you have.

It’s infuriating, really. And I can’t even seem to explain myself any clearer than this.

I didn’t want this to happen. My friend and I clearly didn’t want this to happen, nor did we intend to offend anyone. “Innocent” can honestly be a good term right now, despite the heavy judgment and accusations I’m having.

All she had to do was be herself, and not pretend to be someone she’s not. That’s it. If she told us, this wouldn’t have happened.

This is why I feel annoyed, and a little less sorry about the issue. It’s about being misled to something.

I’m sorry but I just find this stupid. Really stupid.

On second thought, maybe that’s why I can’t seem to think of any reason why she’d do it if she thought of us as friends.

Maybe this whole time she was just trying to “go with the flow”, she didn’t really intend on being a real friend to us.

I hope I’m wrong because frankly, that kind of masking disgusts me.

Extremities.

The guy I least expected to help me was actually the one who listened to me and told me what to do.

He’s my close bud, but he’s always been the quiet type. He’s actually the close friend I’m talking about who was involved with…uhh, well, making our classmate cry. Funny because it’s today that I learned that he’s the type who rarely has words to express how he feels when apologizing, and here I am, the guy who talks too much when apologizing.

I’ve known him for a while now, and it’s more than safe to say that we’re awful opposites. He’s the quiet and reserved type, the one who actually prefers to be alone, the introvert. I’m the loud and open type, the one who chooses to be with groups, the extrovert.

After discussing a school-related work (because we’re partners), I asked him what we should do about tomorrow. Surprisingly, we ended up sharing personal stuff from the past that relates to this issue we have now, and we’re not so far apart after all. He’s also someone who’s got a record for making girls cry back in High School (well, it was Grade School for me, since my HS was exclusive for boys).

He told me that one true thing that was happening to me, which I should avoid as soon as possible.

Letting the guilt eat me up even further.

I can’t help but think about the issue again and again, trying to find a solution or at least a way out of this problem. I come up with so many that in the end I don’t even know what to do again. Like they say, I’m “drowning in my own thoughts”.

What I also didn’t expect was his support. I know we were on bad side on this one, but I’m pretty aware that by tomorrow I’m the one who’s gonna be on the spotlight, like I’ve said on the previous post. He told me to not give a fuck though. I told him about how image-conscious I am and how paranoid I am when it comes to backstabbing and judging, but he told me to not mind it since it’ll just make me more paranoid than I already am. He did have a good point, which I wouldn’t have remembered from all the panic my head’s in.

I’m just glad to know somebody’s got my back on this one, because I know I’ll be there to support ’em too.

The bad guy.

Today, a girl cried. Someone I know. As frustrated as I am to try and defend myself, I’m pretty sure no one would believe me…and I’m not even being dramatic here.

It’s like being in a sea of people who’s laughing at someone, then that “someone” starts to cry from all the teasing she’s taken. Then the part I hate the most happens.

Which part? The part where everyone backs off, like typical hypocrites would, and play innocent, then probably thinking, “how could you be so mean and make her cry,” washing their hands and pointing all the blame at me so they’d come clean. I get the spotlight, and there’s nothing I could do about it. But hey, I’m responsible for it, so there’s no way I’d run away from it. After all, I did make her cry, finger-pointing aside.

This entry isn’t about my rant about those people, it’s about my frustration with being in the spotlight, and of course how the whole crying incident started.

My close buddy and a classmate of ours “snatched” her diary, and didn’t want to give it back to her. She shouted in a way that she also laughed about it, so they all thought it was just a joke. After some time, she got the diary and started crying.

Then when I asked her why, she said that it was because of how much we teased her. She wasn’t referring to how we teased her on this day, but how we teased her everyday. It honestly surprised me and my close friend, because this whole time we thought she didn’t take the jokes seriously. We didn’t know she bottled up everything inside her, and just laughed with us every single time.

First thing that confused me was what to think of myself: was I insensitive this whole time, or my being misled was something that would have happened to anyone in my position? I do admit I was wrong, but I have no idea how to explain this one.

Second was why she laughed with us when it was nothing to laugh about. I didn’t mean to be rude or insulting in any way, but I just can’t seem to get a grasp of why you would laugh about something that offends you. Masking is something I always do, but I can’t just think of a good reason as to why you’d mask for a thing like this. Well when I think about it, I wouldn’t fake it and just tell them it’s not a good joke, since they’re my friends and they’d understand me. Maybe this whole time she didn’t think of us as friends? Maybe this whole time, she was just trying to “bear with us” because we were classmates, or to be more specific, row-mates?

I wanted to clear things out and so I said everything I could about the issues, expecting that she’d open up and communicate with me. But she didn’t. Worse, her friends just thought my friend and I were reasoning our way out.

It offended me, really, specially because one of her friends SAID that we were reasoning out. No, she didn’t even tell us we looked like it, she said we were doing it. As much as I wanted to argue, I knew I wasn’t on the right position to look for any more arguments, knowing people would just think that I’m being more arrogant than I “already am”, so I just let it slide.

But then again, maybe the image of us reasoning out was there. This just added a shitload to my frustrations, since now, it also meant that my apology looked like an excuse. And frankly, it’s one of the worst feelings you could feel.

When you apologize to someone, you’re at your lowest, your pride is gone, and you just want to be forgiven, because you do admit you were wrong. But when even your apology looks like an excuse, you have no way out. When sincerity and honesty doesn’t work because people don’t trust you, nothing will.

And here I am, the bad guy. I honestly don’t know what to expect tomorrow. They’d probably hear about it from one person to another, and I’d be the one to be blamed the most. Looking back, I did try to joke about the only part I’ve read on her diary, which was a grammatical error, but I didn’t read anything else beyond that. I wasn’t even part of the ones who “snatched” her diary. But because I was the one who talked to her and was the one who wanted her to speak out, I guess I just marched my way to the center of the spotlight. Which was stupid, since her friends said I should’ve just said sorry and nothing else.

It’s not like me to say just sorry and not explain, but then again, maybe I should have. Tomorrow, I wouldn’t defend myself or “reason my way out”. I guess the only thing I can do right now, is to shut up and take all the blame. Like a murderer who’s going to be executed in public would.

There goes my image, or at least the image I thought I had.

Spray Some Color. – Feb 27, 2013 (Tumblr)

Spray some color.

It’s just today that I fully realized how much I lack when it comes to “thinking outside the box”, people-wise.

A classmate of mine, a smart and innocent girl, also has her own set of reflections and thoughts that she doesn’t really share to the public; just to her “diary”.

Yes, it’s another shallow and seemingly obvious observation, but it’s something I haven’t really put some focus into. This whole time I thought it was only the jokers, or the ones who laugh the most, who mask their way to happiness just so people wouldn’t ask them about “what’s wrong”.

She, too, has her “mask”, but a different one. It’s about showing other people that her thoughts are simple and straightforward, and she’s academically-aimed, when she actually has a deep and creative imagination about how life works and how she goes with its flow.

This gave me the idea that maybe, just maybe, more than “a few” have and wear masks, because they don’t really bother sharing their thoughts with other people, particularly because of thinking that it might be too random or too…. creative for others to understand.

With this in mind, I hope I’d get to understand more about how people think, so I could learn how to understand them more.

Transfer.

Well, I decided to put up this blog to separate my thoughts in an organized way, even if my blog posts are really fucked up.

Most of it will probably be just transfers from my Tumblr account, obviously. But hey, it wouldn’t hurt to reblog some of the thoughts I’ve had back then. Might refresh me about a thing or two.