Being a coward.

Today I watched a video from Viddsee entitled The Deer In Me. It was about an actress and her insecurities as one.

I guess what I really liked about it was how simple everything was; no fancy complicated storyline or heavy plot twists, just a plain and simple problem that people usually have.

I remembered a lot while watching the video, and after realizing that Asuka is right, now I wonder what each of my friends are scared of. I’ve always wanted to let them know how scared I am of losing people, and I guess now I need to think about them.

It also hit me how right Goro was when he referred to the Sika Deers.

For some reason, they stop and look back. That’s when they get killed.

And just like Asuka, I want to promise myself that I too would stop looking back. I would stop hating. I would stop overthinking. I will accept the past. I will try my very best to learn this. But for now, I’m just certain that I won’t look back anymore.

I’m scared of things, and I don’t need to deny it. I just need to accept it.

Relief.

It’s amazing how terrified I get when I see people who look like the people that used to be my best friends, both back in high school and college.

It’s like seeing my ex, really. I get this awkward feeling and I get frustrated, not knowing what to do if ever they notice that I’m there. It feels painful, yet it excites me knowing they’re there.

It makes me angry, remembering them and what they did to me. But it also makes me happy, knowing they’re safe and..well, alive.

So many things come into my mind.

And then that’s when I see that it’s not who I think it is. It’s just someone who looks like them.

Then that’s when I realize…. I do miss them.

Depression.

Mar. 29, 2014

“I don’t know how I can be so ambitious and so lazy at the same time.”

“I’ll tell you how, soldier. It’s because you’re not ambitious. You’re just lazy.”

I’ve started reading a book. “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” by Ned Vizzini. I bought it after an article in TWLOHA.com, a website I usually visit, featured that the author had suicide. I only bought it because a theme in the book was depression; I didn’t expect to relate to the protagonist more, but I did.

The quote above is one eye-opener I got tonight. I stopped by Chapter 11. Maybe this whole time, I was too busy thinking that I AM ambitious and superior. Well I might be, but the fact that I reason out so well (even with myself) could be the reason why I just tend to get lazy: I RATIONALIZE so well.

Besides that conflict against self, I also saw the similarity with our dependence to friends. He had Aaron, and I had my college and high school friends.

The high school friends I lost were crucial; they were the support group I needed the most, but couldn’t be there because they were “too busy” with their own lives. Which I do not blame them for. The college friends, however, were both a disappointment and an after-effect for me. As the “last” semester of my college year started, I started to look at the 3 of them like the same HS friends I lost. So I moved away. Without them knowing why. One of them noticed and went to me, the two others drifted away. And so I became apathetic. I started reasoning out to myself about how useless and umimportant education was, if it was not enjoyed by the student, and if it meant losing people you cared about.

It’s true what the protagonist said. He wasn’t superior. I’m not too. I was just hardworking back then, like he was, and that’s why I SOUND smart: because I’ve learned how to articulate well.

I guess it was a good choice for me to have bought this book. I’ll continue writing after I’ve read more.

Perfect Downhill.

March 8, 2014.

It probably can’t get any worse than this, except if I die.

Losing friends. Losing motivation. Losing emotion. Total apathy.

I thought I was already at my worst that time, nobody to support me in class because I was like a ghost drifting away from people I was scared to be attached to. At the very least, I wasn’t wrong that they didn’t actually care for me; the Guidance Counselor told me that it’s a weakness of mine, actually, being easily attached to people.

And all I wanted was for everything to end. I didn’t care about anything else, really. I just wanted it to be over with.

Now I’m here, typing, because I can’t even “get it over with”. Why? Because I’m not graduating. I failed.

I failed.

I failed my parents. My girlfriend. The few close friends I have. Myself.

I failed myself, for fuck’s sake.

It was the least I could do for my parents to show that I was grateful for all their efforts; that even though I was a lazy-ass bummer in their eyes because they didn’t know the struggles I went through inside the classroom (which isn’t their fault because I didn’t say or show anything) I could still graduate on time. But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t make them proud and go up the stage to get my diploma. It was the only thing they wanted after giving me all the things I have now, but I couldn’t even do it. I just had to fuck things up one last time and ruin the only joy I’ve had left; to actually reach a tunnel’s end.

Ironic, really, how I tried to be honest and shit, not trying to cheat on this certain subject while most of my blockmates would try so hard to do so. Some of them got caught, but didn’t fail like I did. They made it. Should I be inspired? Should I feel like I should’ve copied shit too since it would give me a better future?

They keep on saying shit about how the grades don’t define you. It’s true. It doesn’t. But it enables people to easily judge you; you don’t graduate on time, you’re stupid. You’re a failure. You’re a flunk, below the average who could make it to the stage with the diploma.

This is great. Just great. I wonder how people laugh at me right now, knowing I fucked it up.

They’re probably celebrating, knowing that they’re finally done with school.

Me? I’m here. Typing. Failed a subject and wouldn’t graduate. Disappointing my parents, not knowing how to explain.

Failed to reach out. || Feb 26, 2014

I can’t do it.

I can’t do anything properly.

I couldn’t confront the best friend I lost; I was too scared to actually realize and accept that they are, actually, gone. I didn’t want to hear it even though I had to, so I could finally clarify things and ease my mind. But I couldn’t. Every time I try to, I remember the pain I’ve felt after losing the closest people I’ve once had: my high school best friends, and my first girlfriend. The pain of losing them and having to accept that I couldn’t do anything about it just makes me feel worse.

To add to that, the anxiety attacks I’ve been having has eaten me up, to the point that it’s been harder for me to pretend I’m happy. At worst cases, I’d find myself teary-eyed in public, just like that time when I just broke up with my ex.

I’ve come to the realization that the major burden I’ve brought up to this day to my life was regret: the build-up of not tying loose ends and just letting things fade away, even though I didn’t want to.

I tried to make a move, but I didn’t want to force it. I didn’t want to chase again, like I did to my old friends. I am tired, but I do know I did want to chase. I wanted to fight for it, thinking that this time around It might’ve been worth it. But no matter how much I say, I just couldn’t. The pain and exhaustion already dragged me down to this point; I’m too tired to go on.

I also had the chance to talk to an old blockmate, who decided to drop some subjects because he was “too lazy”. He was, in a way, like me. Wearing a mask of being strong and enduring, calm and cool. But I do know that he wasn’t. I asked his close friend if he had any problems, and he in fact did. He was mad at the block, our block, for some reason concerning his relationship with his girlfriend, which somehow was put into jeopardy by something the block probably did. He was mad about it, and decided to detach from us.

I wanted to reach out, to tell him that I was there if he needed someone to talk to, because I know I would’ve wanted that if I was in his position. But in the end, I couldn’t. His mask was still on, unlike mine, and I decided to tell myself that it’d be stupid to tell him something like that. He was stronger than me, I thought. To tell him I was there for him would be ironic, considering that I was the one who needed someone to be there.

So now, here I am, again, back to being alone, but worse. I’ve made a move, like I’ve always told myself not to, and now I face consequences. Now I feel worse, which clearly wouldn’t help my studying routine for the upcoming exams.

I wonder when this will end.

Innocence: the opposite of sinfulness.

If there was something I’ve come to realize only now that I’m 19, it’s another fact that seems pretty obvious but actually needs justification to be explained.

You are innocent until you learn that some things are being done by others. That they actually exist. That those things are actually possible, and even doable without getting caught.

I noticed this after meeting some people now that I’m 19. I wouldn’t say I’m the “innocent” type of guy since I do admit that I’m the one in the group to say green-minded puns every once in a while, but of course I’d say I’m innocent in terms of other things. Like financials.

It’s just this year I learned that some people lie to their parents, saying that they’re going to pay a certain amount, which is higher than what’s originally going to be paid for. What surprised me is that some of those people lie about tuition fee, so they could get the excess. I even heard of one student from my school who used the whole tuition fee for vices, but never actually enrolled.

I also learned about people who commute without paying their fares. It’s a small thing, yes, but then again, there’s the multiplier effect.

I guess more things happen than I notice. That’s how “big” the small things are.

Run for Pasig. (Oct. 6, 2013)

There were two things that bothered me while lots of people celebrated the success of Run for Ilog Pasig.

First is the fact that it was not organized by the government. Yes, I was very impressed that even Filipinos from Los Angeles participated for Pasig, but it just troubles me that it takes a successful event like this for the Ilog Pasig (and other esteros) to be cleaned and maintained. I don’t even see the government (LGU or National) being thanked for for the said event. It’s a project by DENR and ABS-CBN, yes, but then what I mean is, what do THEY do for the Ilog Pasig and the others? Sure, there’s this complicated reasoning with the budget, the other programs, the insufficiency of funds (from corruption, most probably), but what about Ilog Pasig? What would they do about it if it wasn’t for ABS-CBN’s program?

Second is how they sugarcoat what the illegal settlers, or squatters, actually do to these esteros. They say they successfully relocate these people to “better places” or wherever, and that the esteros are getting cleaner because of maintenance. Sure, it’s national TV and it might sound a bit insensitive if not said properly, but why don’t they just say the truth? These squatters are the reason why the esteros and the Ilog Pasig continuously became dirty and heavily polluted. This is again, a frustrating thing for me, seeing as how these squatters get away with what they do to make our country worse (not to mention how demanding they get even when the government’s giving them new houses to relocate to).

I wonder when my country will be a first-world one. Or at least a second-world country.

Pageant. || Sep. 14, 2013

So tomorrow’s (well, today’s) the day of the pageant.

It’s my first time to join a pageant (excluding that one time in Grade School hahaha), and it’s actually a morale booster for whoever’s involved since we get compliments and cheers from the people we know.

Of course, being the paranoid guy, I feel nervous. I’m gonna be judged, and I’m scared to make a mistake. I remember my HS days and I can’t help but cringe at how humiliating it might be to make a mistake.

I’m just glad my friends are there to support me. And my family will watch too.

I can do this. For those who support me.

GAME ON BITCHHHH.

Unfair. || Ignored then forgotten.

So while we were chilling here in Batangas, we decided to watch a local film titled “Must Be Love”. Yeah we were bored, but I must say, the movie was good.
Anyways, being a realistic buzzkill that I am, I didn’t like the concept of the story. Mainly because when I think about it, it’s about two bestfriends that fell in love with each other, disregarding the third wheel….ironically, that’s the original girlfriend.
(Yes, here I am like always, appreciating the neglected part of the good stories.) I’ll try to share how it looked like from a point of view like hers.
The original girlfriend started her act…well, normally. Came to the province a stranger. She met the guy, who is/was a womanizer, and fell in love with him after he courted him.
She loved taking photos of him, because she wanted lots of memories by the time she returned to Manila. He got tired of the pictures, but she never knew.
She loved cheering for him as he played Basketball, but he was secretly disappointed that she couldn’t play the sport.
She always wanted to look presentable and pretty for her boyfriend, but he found it boring that she was so strict.
When she left for Manila (well the guy was from the province. Cebu, I think?), she told her cousin, her boyfriend’s best friend, to take care of him and shoo off other girls.
Her cousin became the model for a beauty contest of some sort, and “bloomed”. The beautician asked her boyfriend to be her cousin’s partner for a dance, and that’s how they felt the connection.
Her boyfriend fell in love with her cousin after he realized her beauty, and the original girlfriend didn’t know until she came back to the province.
She found out, and got mad at her cousin out of shock and jealousy. She shouted at her cousin, and everybody looked at her for being the “girl-who-shouted-at-the-protagonist”.
Her cousin cried and told her boyfriend everything she felt right from the start, and he replied with how he felt.
Things happened and the original girlfriend substituted her cousin as the beautician’s model.
She tried everything to get him back. She was desperate because she was in love. She even tried to do the “slow motion” that got his attention.
Sure, maybe it was difficult for the guy to choose, but it was obviously harder for her, the original girlfriend, who had no choice. All she could do was wait.
And in the end, when the beauty contest was taking place, her boyfriend broke up with him.
She gave her gown to her cousin, the protagonist, and faded away. Everybody was shocked, but in delight, that the protagonist was there as she did her dance with the boyfriend.
It showed a short clip of how the original girlfriend bumped a “new” guy, but that’s it. It didn’t show what she had to go through afterwards. Her part was done.
All she did was love truly and fully, but in the end she was just ignored, replaced, and forgotten.

Work or School. (Tumblr, March 13 2013)

Back when I was in High School, there was this small issue in the family about my sister (oldest) who sadly didn’t finish her Law degree because she chose to work instead.

Some say that she probably already enjoyed the feeling of earning money by working, and she lost her focus on studying this way. I personally thought that that was a bit too shallow for a reason. But now that I’m in 3rd year college and on my way to nearly getting a job in the future, I think I understand how it feels.

It’s not “greed”, to be very direct with you. It’s the excitement you get from being on a new and higher lever of society. You’re now working, which means people pay you what you deserve for doing something for them. 18 years of my life that has rarely happened to me, so it’s pretty reasonable to excite someone like me.

I personally felt like an adult already. Being on my business attire, speaking in formality, shaking hands and all that… it makes me feel like I’m changing positively. As if then and there I’m growing up as someone with a whole new set of potential skills to have.

Of course, it’s my decision now to stay where I am and focus on getting a Master’s Degree or a Law Degree, or I could just try to get a job and start my career this early.

Well, at least now I know how it feels.