Being a coward.

Today I watched a video from Viddsee entitled The Deer In Me. It was about an actress and her insecurities as one.

I guess what I really liked about it was how simple everything was; no fancy complicated storyline or heavy plot twists, just a plain and simple problem that people usually have.

I remembered a lot while watching the video, and after realizing that Asuka is right, now I wonder what each of my friends are scared of. I’ve always wanted to let them know how scared I am of losing people, and I guess now I need to think about them.

It also hit me how right Goro was when he referred to the Sika Deers.

For some reason, they stop and look back. That’s when they get killed.

And just like Asuka, I want to promise myself that I too would stop looking back. I would stop hating. I would stop overthinking. I will accept the past. I will try my very best to learn this. But for now, I’m just certain that I won’t look back anymore.

I’m scared of things, and I don’t need to deny it. I just need to accept it.

Relief.

It’s amazing how terrified I get when I see people who look like the people that used to be my best friends, both back in high school and college.

It’s like seeing my ex, really. I get this awkward feeling and I get frustrated, not knowing what to do if ever they notice that I’m there. It feels painful, yet it excites me knowing they’re there.

It makes me angry, remembering them and what they did to me. But it also makes me happy, knowing they’re safe and..well, alive.

So many things come into my mind.

And then that’s when I see that it’s not who I think it is. It’s just someone who looks like them.

Then that’s when I realize…. I do miss them.

Awful.

I’m back. I’m back to writing my frustrations on this page… I guess.

2 weeks ago, I had a really fun summer job. I met a lot of new friends. But that same week, my best friend died. And it was an emotional roller coaster for me, smiling at work and crying at the funeral. There was a lot I wanted to say, but I had no time. I had to go home late and had to leave early in the morning for work, so even if I wanted to write on this blog, I couldn’t.

Last night, I had a talk with my girlfriend after I had some drinking with friends. I confronted her about her trust issues, which, as I thought, came from the trauma she got from her ex who used and two-timed her. I told her that she had to talk to her ex if she wanted things to finish properly. It was painful, really, knowing that the reason she feels like this was because she was still in love with him after he used her, even after all the years that passed. It was like pushing a knife deeper to a wound. I knew it was gonna be painful, but I wanted to help her get over him. And I knew it was the only way.

Just today, my grandfather was confirmed to be brain dead. He’s basically just lying on a bed with a dead brain, with only his life support allowing him to live, at least that’s how I understood things. My mom says he’d probably stop breathing if it wasn’t for the life support.

Tomorrow, my new best friends are leaving for the beach. And honestly, I’m torn as hell as to what to do. I’m grieving, but at the same time I want to go. I want to go for the memories, the ones I never had with the past group of best friends I had. I want to go because I want to be there for them, to make sure they’re safe and they won’t do anything stupid, like kill themselves from being too reckless.

I’m tired of feeling like shit. I wanna feel happiness. I wanna leave everything even just for the 3 days that I’d be with them. I’m so tired. I don’t know what to do.

 

Depression.

Mar. 29, 2014

“I don’t know how I can be so ambitious and so lazy at the same time.”

“I’ll tell you how, soldier. It’s because you’re not ambitious. You’re just lazy.”

I’ve started reading a book. “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” by Ned Vizzini. I bought it after an article in TWLOHA.com, a website I usually visit, featured that the author had suicide. I only bought it because a theme in the book was depression; I didn’t expect to relate to the protagonist more, but I did.

The quote above is one eye-opener I got tonight. I stopped by Chapter 11. Maybe this whole time, I was too busy thinking that I AM ambitious and superior. Well I might be, but the fact that I reason out so well (even with myself) could be the reason why I just tend to get lazy: I RATIONALIZE so well.

Besides that conflict against self, I also saw the similarity with our dependence to friends. He had Aaron, and I had my college and high school friends.

The high school friends I lost were crucial; they were the support group I needed the most, but couldn’t be there because they were “too busy” with their own lives. Which I do not blame them for. The college friends, however, were both a disappointment and an after-effect for me. As the “last” semester of my college year started, I started to look at the 3 of them like the same HS friends I lost. So I moved away. Without them knowing why. One of them noticed and went to me, the two others drifted away. And so I became apathetic. I started reasoning out to myself about how useless and umimportant education was, if it was not enjoyed by the student, and if it meant losing people you cared about.

It’s true what the protagonist said. He wasn’t superior. I’m not too. I was just hardworking back then, like he was, and that’s why I SOUND smart: because I’ve learned how to articulate well.

I guess it was a good choice for me to have bought this book. I’ll continue writing after I’ve read more.

Disappointment.

March 15, 2014. 12:05 AM

Today, I’m gonna tell my parents what happened.

I had a removals exam, and I still failed it. I’m not gonna go on stage and march to get my diploma.

I’ve realized that people really are optimism when they’re in a position when someone has to be; in this case, when they had to comfort me. But I’m glad that their relief is also helping me feel relieved whenever they hear from me that I’m gonna get my diploma this summer, not after another semester.

I do feel embarrassed and sad, but I’m happy that the people I’ve chosen to be around have been supporting and sweet. Even though I risked my 2nd semester trying to find who my true friends were, I guess, this is what made it worth it for the long run.

I’m sorry, Ma and Pa.

Ashamed.

March 10, 2014. 12:34 AM.

I still can’t say it. I still can’t tell my family I’ve failed to graduate.

I feel so ashamed. So useless. So stupid.

Well, I probably am, anyways. I’m a failure. And I’m blurting all this negativity out not to ask for pity from people, but because I have no other choice but to verbally slap myself in the face for being like this.

The timing was wrong. It was awful. I wonder, if I didn’t lose my friends, if I didn’t lose myself, if I kept the focus and the required concentration to do shit properly for my academics, would things be different?

If I told my professor before the deliberations all of the things I was going through, would he pity me and not fail me?

I can only regret. There’s nothing else to do, anyways. Sooner or later my family will find out the truth, whether or not it comes from me.

Then I’d have to accept the fact that my friends from this batch will graduate and I won’t. That I wouldn’t be going up a stage to shake someone’s hand as I accept my diploma and feel so proud that I’ve successfully finished college for my parents.

I’m so embarrassed. I’m so ashamed. And if it wasn’t for my best friend and my girlfriend being there for me, I would’ve probably killed myself yesterday. I had it all planned, too. I hated what they did for me, but at the same time, I’m glad they reached out.

Confusions. Frustrations. Anger. Envy. Bitterness.

Perfect Downhill.

March 8, 2014.

It probably can’t get any worse than this, except if I die.

Losing friends. Losing motivation. Losing emotion. Total apathy.

I thought I was already at my worst that time, nobody to support me in class because I was like a ghost drifting away from people I was scared to be attached to. At the very least, I wasn’t wrong that they didn’t actually care for me; the Guidance Counselor told me that it’s a weakness of mine, actually, being easily attached to people.

And all I wanted was for everything to end. I didn’t care about anything else, really. I just wanted it to be over with.

Now I’m here, typing, because I can’t even “get it over with”. Why? Because I’m not graduating. I failed.

I failed.

I failed my parents. My girlfriend. The few close friends I have. Myself.

I failed myself, for fuck’s sake.

It was the least I could do for my parents to show that I was grateful for all their efforts; that even though I was a lazy-ass bummer in their eyes because they didn’t know the struggles I went through inside the classroom (which isn’t their fault because I didn’t say or show anything) I could still graduate on time. But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t make them proud and go up the stage to get my diploma. It was the only thing they wanted after giving me all the things I have now, but I couldn’t even do it. I just had to fuck things up one last time and ruin the only joy I’ve had left; to actually reach a tunnel’s end.

Ironic, really, how I tried to be honest and shit, not trying to cheat on this certain subject while most of my blockmates would try so hard to do so. Some of them got caught, but didn’t fail like I did. They made it. Should I be inspired? Should I feel like I should’ve copied shit too since it would give me a better future?

They keep on saying shit about how the grades don’t define you. It’s true. It doesn’t. But it enables people to easily judge you; you don’t graduate on time, you’re stupid. You’re a failure. You’re a flunk, below the average who could make it to the stage with the diploma.

This is great. Just great. I wonder how people laugh at me right now, knowing I fucked it up.

They’re probably celebrating, knowing that they’re finally done with school.

Me? I’m here. Typing. Failed a subject and wouldn’t graduate. Disappointing my parents, not knowing how to explain.

Update on myself.

11:59 of Feb. 19, 2014

So far, my Guidance Counseling has been a big help. I’ve tried to become more optimistic about things, and I’ve been progressing.

Gym’s good, glad that I have Mike, Dave, and Justine as gym buds.

Bonding with friends are good, glad that I’ve had enough time to spend with Jeric and Eric. Pretty excited about the whole Red Bull thing. I hope we get in, seriously.

Time with class, not that good. I’ve been feeling more… distant from them, and I think I’m subconsciously waiting for someone to reach out to me, or at least be sensitive enough to do what I’d do if I was in their position.

Time with girlfriend, more than satisfied. Even though we haven’t met in a while physically, I really appreciate the effort we’ve both exerted to get in touch with each other. Not to mention her support and understanding about my current status.

Seeing as how sentimental I am, I’m gonna try and start a new blog. A more public one, about the things I loved back when I was a kid. It’ll focus more on games and anime and shit, but I still would like to share it with other people. I’m excited, but also a bit nervous that I might not be able to commit to blogging every once in a while (my common sickness, since I do manage 5 blogs right now, all about different aspects of my life).

I will have something to look forward to; that’s what the Guidance Counselor wants me to think of to become a happier person, to feel that I can still have a “purpose” and “reason” to live. I’d have it. I promise.

Guidance.

The past few weeks have been tremendously awful for me. I’ve been starting to feel down, and I haven’t felt any better, just worse. This is the first time this has happened to me, and it’s scaring me. It’s been eating me up. My thoughts, my mood, my apathy, my emotions, and most of all, my masks.

My masks haven’t been as “natural” as I’ve used them. It’s starting to “break”. I’m having difficulty showing other people a smile nowadays, and it’s because of this feeling of apathy eating me up. I don’t know where it’s coming from.

Last week, I opened up to a stranger for the very first time. A special stranger, I must say. She was the guidance counselor. Of course, she was the only one I’d trust with all the things I’ve hidden from everyone ever since I knew how to wear a mask.

So far, we haven’t pinpointed what’s been happening to me. Where this lack of emotion and motivation is coming from, but I feel we’re getting there. 4 factors have been discussed so far: family, friends, school, relationship. Those are broad topics, and have “sub-categories”, but that’s about it. I’m excited to know that she could actually help me, but I’m also scared that as the days pass that I don’t get to talk about it, it’s still eating me up.

It’s like a virus inside me. Yet I’m glad I have it.

I guess, at the very least, I’m happy that even with something this awful happening to me, someone’s there to understand and listen. I like the feeling of being understood. I wish this stays.

Weird.

I have a stupid thought.
But it might not be as pointless as it sounds.

What if….this whole time…I’ve loved being pathetic?

Yes. What if I liked the feeling? Of suffering, of being hopeless, of crying, of feeling like shit about myself? It might sound ironic, but then, I think it’ll be close if I’d say I’m an emotional masochist.

I know it’s weird, but I can’t think of any other reason why this is happening to me.

And the source… Dunno. Maybe it’s the anime I kept on watching back in high school, and my subconscious preference for looking at the side characters who usually get rejected by the protagonists? Add to that the awful experience I had with my first relationship?

I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. At 19 years old, I could definitely say I still don’t understand something I’m currenty feeling.

If you’re reading this, and you aren’t a bot or a fake account, I’d like you to know that you’re more than welcome to share your thoughts into what’s happening with me. Thank you.