Midnight Reflection.

First of all, holy shit. It’s been half a year since my last entry on this blog. Damn. Okay anyways, tonight I reflect about my life: mindsets, wisdom, and learnings.

My mom is close-minded. I am not saying this out of negativity, I am just stating it as a matter-of-fact. It’s probably one of the main reasons why we have arguments frequently.

For one, being a lazy ass bum who likes to do a lot of things, I forget to take a bath once in a while (don’t worry, happens less than 5x a year lol). She calls me untidy because of it. NLP dictates that it’s an attack on my identity and not on my capabilities for a specific day… and it’s funny because she only washes (not shampoo, but simply just wash it with water) her hair only once to thrice a month.

Now I think this is one of the biggest reasons why we’ll never be completely in agreement with other people. We all live as either close- or open-minded people, none of either is better than the other. Simply put, it’s just a way of life. A way of looking at things and how they work for us. Both have its pros and cons.

As much as I’d like to think being open-minded has helped me become fair and neutral, I do believe that it has made me into someone who does not have a solid decision once in a while; someone loyal to a course, kinda.

Maybe I can use this insight into how I am an open-minded adult right now whose focus is material things. Investment is my passion yet I forget to appreciate it because of the things I want now. To remind myself that rationalizations are okay and acceptable but should not always be listened to.

I will invest responsibly and spend money efficiently. I can have all the things I want… all in each thing’s right time: from my car, to Airsoft, my camera, my girlfriend, my family.

I will be better.

For the week.

Every Monday morning I’d drive you to work, kiss your forehead and wish you luck.
You’d smile, tell me you love me, thank me for driving you to work, and leave.

Every Tuesday night we eat at that really weird restaurant you like. I was never a fan of Ramen, but I like how you smile when the food tastes good.
You tell me about work, how stressful it is, and you apologize for not texting me much because of how busy you are.
I smile, tell you it’s okay and I’m proud of how hardworking you are.

Every Wednesday, I’d drive you home. Your mom never liked me, so I’d just stay outside your gate and kiss you on the cheek before saying goodbye.
You’d tell me that one of these days she’d approve of us, and I’d thank you for securing me.

Every Thursday, we’d fetch your little brother from school and we’d go to the mall.
You’d thank me for not getting tired of doing all of these for us, so your family would approve.
I tell you about how everything will be much better after we overcome this part.
We’d laugh as your brother tells us we’re looking at each other weird again.

Every Friday night, you’d tell me how much you hate me for asking where you are hour by hour, and we’d fight about it.
I’d apologize, promise not to do it again, and scold myself for being too clingy.

Every Saturday, I’d go to the park where we met. I’d sit on the bench overlooking the rest of the park, just staring at you from afar, looking at how beautiful you are.
You’d tell me you’re in the office and you’re not able to text, and I’d just tell you to not forget to eat. I never told anyone I knew the truth.
He’d buy you your favorite ice cream, make you laugh, tickle you.
You’d be on the same spot where I asked you to be mine… as you sit on his lap, chatting and giggling.
He’d stop you from tickling him, look straight into your eyes, move your hair to the side, smile, then put his lips against yours.
You’d play with his hair while you kiss him back.
I’d tell you I’m out with friends for drinks, and I’d go home and drink myself to sleep.

Every Sunday you’d wake me up with a good morning text, telling me about how busy you were the whole Saturday that you weren’t able to text.
I’d tell you it’s no problem,
I’d tell myself it’s fine,
and I’d wish
Like I do every Sunday
that one Monday
you’d have stopped seeing him
and you’d kiss my lips the way you kissed his
and tell me
and only me
that you love me.
——————————————————-

Fictional. Made out of boredom. 🙂

Being a coward.

Today I watched a video from Viddsee entitled The Deer In Me. It was about an actress and her insecurities as one.

I guess what I really liked about it was how simple everything was; no fancy complicated storyline or heavy plot twists, just a plain and simple problem that people usually have.

I remembered a lot while watching the video, and after realizing that Asuka is right, now I wonder what each of my friends are scared of. I’ve always wanted to let them know how scared I am of losing people, and I guess now I need to think about them.

It also hit me how right Goro was when he referred to the Sika Deers.

For some reason, they stop and look back. That’s when they get killed.

And just like Asuka, I want to promise myself that I too would stop looking back. I would stop hating. I would stop overthinking. I will accept the past. I will try my very best to learn this. But for now, I’m just certain that I won’t look back anymore.

I’m scared of things, and I don’t need to deny it. I just need to accept it.

Losing hype.

May 2015

Work’s been good. Steady, even. Since it’s a fast-growing start-up, there has been a lot of changes. Some I like, some I don’t. The essence of being a family is slowly fading, turning more of something like a simple company by the looks of how many we are now. Not saying it’s bad for them anyways; it’s how they should be.

I’ve started thinking about transferring jobs, finally chasing my career in Finance. I used to hold back this thought, but with so many negativities happening I’m starting to rethink things.

Wonder where fate will take me.

Working.

I love working, mostly because I earn. But I think I should love it mostly because I enjoy what I do.

Gotta decide soon.

Spending.

Today was my first time to “splurge” money, since it was also my first salary. It wasn’t for a celebration though. It was for groceries and stuff I’d need in my apartment. Also, it’s because I haven’t managed to budget my money properly for everything I’ve been spending on.  Not to mention the fact that I don’t know anything about the utilities and such.

It’s not bad though. In fact, I find it liberating. All this happening to me. I’m excited and nervous for what is to come, but knowing how I think, I’m likely to focus on “now” than “soon”.

10-21-2014

First step forward.

First day in this apartment. First night last night. Moved in around 9PM, which my mom and dad obviously didn’t like because it was too late of a night. It was safe though, thankfully.

I can’t say much about it, really. I guess I’m pretty excited about all this, or thrilled. I met 4 of my housemates last night too. Kat, Jom, Raffy, and Roy.

This is it. I’m starting on a new path now. GG.

10-17-2014.

Work, work.

So I’m finally employed.

I took the risk and employed myself to a start-up company, instead of waiting for the casino I’ve wanted to be in.

The job’s pretty chill. I get my own laptop, a company phone, and I just gather data and input them for the website. Pretty normal routine, really. I don’t think I’ll get tired of it. If any, I’ll just figure out ways to do things faster so I could have more free time.

The company’s fun. My bosses are funny and nice. The atmosphere of the office is pretty lax. Not stressful at all. I’ve learned a lot for my first week as an analyst. I’ve been doing well with my team too.

Overall, I’m just excited for the pay. HAHAHA. And of course, I do look forward to growing with this company even if it wouldn’t look like a long-term kind of thing.

If it does become a long-term kind of thing, it’ll be because I’d love this company more than I do now.

Let’s see what happens to my future here.

Pain from the past.

An old classmate sent me a message on Facebook about this year’s pageant. The same as the one I won a year ago. Asked me if I was going for the coronation this Saturday.

Same question my mom and sisters ask me every now and then. “When will you pass the crown” and shit. I’d like to think it’s no big deal, but it is. It really is.

The question didn’t just remind me of my senior year. It reminded me of the awful things I had to endure during that time, and now too. I’m overthinking, too. That probably they didn’t invite me because I didn’t even graduate on time; a shameful thing to have if you’re representing the almighty major I was in. After all, they were proud of failing students, and the ones who do not fail are the true graduates… and I’m not one of them.

Sucky, isn’t it. I’m not sure if I should feel disrespected as the pageant winner last year or as the student who still graduated under their major for this happening.

And the snowball rolls.

I remember having to distance myself from my so-called best friends in class because I knew it wasn’t gonna be a good group to stay in after graduation. I was scared the same thing that happened to my group back in high school would happen again in college. So I prevented it as early as I could. It was painful and it wasn’t easy, but I had to do it. Besides, they didn’t even chase. At least I didn’t have to be too dramatic about it. Though I ended up eating alone most of the time, or just with my best buddy.

I remember thinking of killing myself because I couldn’t bare to face my parents. The embarrassment I felt for not graduating, which automatically will give the people impression that I was stupid. Maybe I was, anyways. To make it worse, I DID represent the major in one way; I won the pageant, after all. And there I was, a failure.

I thought the recovery was solid. The type of recovery which would make me just look back at this and laugh. But I can’t. I guess it’s because I still feel the pain I felt back then.

God. I have this whole depression thing. From just one question I got, I’ve gotten this far. And I’ve felt this bad, and I mean so bad I don’t know how to feel happy again.

I wonder why this happened to me. All of this. Why I bummed, why I avoided my friends, why I was scared, why I failed, why I tried to kill myself, why I’m still here now.

Life is weird. Painful, and stupid, and weird.

Relief.

It’s amazing how terrified I get when I see people who look like the people that used to be my best friends, both back in high school and college.

It’s like seeing my ex, really. I get this awkward feeling and I get frustrated, not knowing what to do if ever they notice that I’m there. It feels painful, yet it excites me knowing they’re there.

It makes me angry, remembering them and what they did to me. But it also makes me happy, knowing they’re safe and..well, alive.

So many things come into my mind.

And then that’s when I see that it’s not who I think it is. It’s just someone who looks like them.

Then that’s when I realize…. I do miss them.