Being a coward.

Today I watched a video from Viddsee entitled The Deer In Me. It was about an actress and her insecurities as one.

I guess what I really liked about it was how simple everything was; no fancy complicated storyline or heavy plot twists, just a plain and simple problem that people usually have.

I remembered a lot while watching the video, and after realizing that Asuka is right, now I wonder what each of my friends are scared of. I’ve always wanted to let them know how scared I am of losing people, and I guess now I need to think about them.

It also hit me how right Goro was when he referred to the Sika Deers.

For some reason, they stop and look back. That’s when they get killed.

And just like Asuka, I want to promise myself that I too would stop looking back. I would stop hating. I would stop overthinking. I will accept the past. I will try my very best to learn this. But for now, I’m just certain that I won’t look back anymore.

I’m scared of things, and I don’t need to deny it. I just need to accept it.

Awful.

I’m back. I’m back to writing my frustrations on this page… I guess.

2 weeks ago, I had a really fun summer job. I met a lot of new friends. But that same week, my best friend died. And it was an emotional roller coaster for me, smiling at work and crying at the funeral. There was a lot I wanted to say, but I had no time. I had to go home late and had to leave early in the morning for work, so even if I wanted to write on this blog, I couldn’t.

Last night, I had a talk with my girlfriend after I had some drinking with friends. I confronted her about her trust issues, which, as I thought, came from the trauma she got from her ex who used and two-timed her. I told her that she had to talk to her ex if she wanted things to finish properly. It was painful, really, knowing that the reason she feels like this was because she was still in love with him after he used her, even after all the years that passed. It was like pushing a knife deeper to a wound. I knew it was gonna be painful, but I wanted to help her get over him. And I knew it was the only way.

Just today, my grandfather was confirmed to be brain dead. He’s basically just lying on a bed with a dead brain, with only his life support allowing him to live, at least that’s how I understood things. My mom says he’d probably stop breathing if it wasn’t for the life support.

Tomorrow, my new best friends are leaving for the beach. And honestly, I’m torn as hell as to what to do. I’m grieving, but at the same time I want to go. I want to go for the memories, the ones I never had with the past group of best friends I had. I want to go because I want to be there for them, to make sure they’re safe and they won’t do anything stupid, like kill themselves from being too reckless.

I’m tired of feeling like shit. I wanna feel happiness. I wanna leave everything even just for the 3 days that I’d be with them. I’m so tired. I don’t know what to do.

 

Depression.

Mar. 29, 2014

“I don’t know how I can be so ambitious and so lazy at the same time.”

“I’ll tell you how, soldier. It’s because you’re not ambitious. You’re just lazy.”

I’ve started reading a book. “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” by Ned Vizzini. I bought it after an article in TWLOHA.com, a website I usually visit, featured that the author had suicide. I only bought it because a theme in the book was depression; I didn’t expect to relate to the protagonist more, but I did.

The quote above is one eye-opener I got tonight. I stopped by Chapter 11. Maybe this whole time, I was too busy thinking that I AM ambitious and superior. Well I might be, but the fact that I reason out so well (even with myself) could be the reason why I just tend to get lazy: I RATIONALIZE so well.

Besides that conflict against self, I also saw the similarity with our dependence to friends. He had Aaron, and I had my college and high school friends.

The high school friends I lost were crucial; they were the support group I needed the most, but couldn’t be there because they were “too busy” with their own lives. Which I do not blame them for. The college friends, however, were both a disappointment and an after-effect for me. As the “last” semester of my college year started, I started to look at the 3 of them like the same HS friends I lost. So I moved away. Without them knowing why. One of them noticed and went to me, the two others drifted away. And so I became apathetic. I started reasoning out to myself about how useless and umimportant education was, if it was not enjoyed by the student, and if it meant losing people you cared about.

It’s true what the protagonist said. He wasn’t superior. I’m not too. I was just hardworking back then, like he was, and that’s why I SOUND smart: because I’ve learned how to articulate well.

I guess it was a good choice for me to have bought this book. I’ll continue writing after I’ve read more.

Clingy friend.

I’m an awfully clingy friend and it’s pretty obvious.

I know I’ve blogged about this a couple of times, but I’d like to specifically think about how I look at my clingy-ness (wait does that word exist?).

Well, I do always try to get with people. When I notice that the people I care about are starting to distance themselves, I try to take action and reach out to them. I’m almost always the one to ask people if we could go out and catch up, and I end up hoping that they’d do the same.

It’s been my “measurement” of if-they-care-or-not-for-me-the-way-I-do-for-them. If they invite me back next time, guess that means we do show effort to have some time for each other.

It’s pretty cheesy and dramatic, really, but it does make sense for me. Only now that I’ve grown up and have matured even just a bit, I learned to do some adjustments and have changed for the better.